Divorce Guide

How and What to Tell Your Children about Divorce

Since last week Stella was in deep thoughts. She was discussing only one thing with her family and friends – how and what to tell your children about divorce. This is a major dilemma faced by divorcing couples who have children. It is such a sensitive issue that parents try and avoid a discussion with the child as long as they can.

Stella had read and heard so much about this problem that she took it up as a challenge. Her husband was not very particular about what, when, and how to inform the 8 year old child about their divorce, but Stella wanted to handle this situation carefully. Like Stella it is the responsibility of every divorcing couple to be careful while disclosing divorce to your children.

The problem is more acute if the child is in tender age or immature. After all, a child equally needs the company of both the parents. The immature mind of the child fails to understand as to why his parents are not going to stay together any more. According to psychiatrists, the most common problem that children suffer is to hold themselves responsible for this break up.

According to Martin Louis, a Divorce Counsellor, “a child becomes either very aggressive or very introvert, if he is not managed properly during the divorce of his parents.” Aggression, anger, anxiety, lack of confidence, fear, stunted physical growth, are some of the general problems seen in such children.

In light of all this it is really important to plan how and what to tell your children about divorce. It is the responsibility of every couple to be systematic and controlled while telling the children know about divorce.

Here is a list of dos and dont’s:

1. Don’t be too late in disclosing the child about your decision. Once you are pretty sure that you have to split, gradually start speaking to your child about this. This way your child will be better prepared to deal with the situation. He will be mentally tuned to accept the fact.
2. Both the parents should be together while disclosing about separation. Try to maintain a positive attitude while talking to the child. Make the child sit in your lap, would be a good idea to take turns. Keep gently smiling so that the child is assured that divorce of his parents is not going to be a very bad experience.
3. Convince the child that divorce is not your fault and even he is not responsible for it. Explain that it was God’s will and evident.
4. Convince the child that although the parents will not stay together the child will still get the same support and love. The other parent will come to meet the child regularly and be in constant touch.
5. If the child is matured enough definitely ask whom does he want to stay with. It is mostly assumed that the child will stay with mother, but some situations might be opposite.
6. In case the child is very disturbed take him to a divorce counsellor who specializes in dealing with children. Professional help is always better.
7. Till the time you are together try to forget your differences and give the child a wholesome family experience. Go on walks together, take the child for family picnic, or go to watch a movie.

How and what to tell your children about divorce is difficult but there is no set rule for the same. Each child has different temperament which the parents know better and adopt a suitable approach.

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